I want to state two points first:
- I do not find suicide as a possible solution for me. The last thing I would do is to kill myself, because I want to live forever.
- This is a philosophical question, “There is only one really serious philosophical question, and that is suicide” (Albert Camus)
How can I function after losing the basic sense of security that always kept me free from this dread and convinces me whenever I see reality gets someone, that I'm special? Therefore my destiny can't be like that neighbor who got blind or lost his arms. I lack the only thing that grants people this feeling of security, which is, self-esteem.
I define self-esteem as "the feeling that one is a valuable participant in a meaningful universe". Thanks to nihilism, there is no chance of participating in a meaningful project in order to gain self-esteem and mask the dread.
Now, if there were any reply to my question, it would probably include quotes from existentialists and how to deal with the absurd. I see these existentialists deceptive and misleading, as what they grasped only of the absurd is a literal superficial version enough to be made into some concept from which they gained their self-esteem, leaving others open to dread when they speak of their facts.