Most of people probably associate depression only with sadness, but it is a big mistake, because often there is huge drowsiness, apathy, indifference, constant physical fatigue, derealization, depersonalization, demotivation, headaches, problems with memory, concentration ... Even if someone wants to change something, sometimes they simply can not physically have the strength to do it.
It's not that i am sad. The worst thing is the lack of motivation . I really fell no motivation for anything. I do not want to eat, I dont want to sleep, walk, work, watch movies. Literally nothing. Sometimes I end up staring thoughtlessly at one point without even thinking about anything . I feel that the man simply calves with age, I see it clearly. For me the world is no longer so interesting, fascination and enthusiasm are slowly extinguishing, I became boring person. Even the vision of untimely death due to junk food, stimulants or illness does not seem so bad anymore for me.
And I fell loneliness . Loneliness that has many shades.
I fell loneliness of incomprehension - I am in a crowd of friends, family, buzz , but ... there is no one to share with my feelings, emotions. Only talks about clichés.
I fell loneliness by ignoring - I become invisible in the eyes of others. Loneliness is also when you pass several hundred people in the city center within an hour, and for each of them you are worth as much as nothing , when the only way that others perceive you is perceiving as a client as a person who counts only when you can sell something to her or get money or a favor for her.
Added to this is the feeling of my own mediocrity. I do not think anything depresses me as much as the specter of mediocrity. If you are not unique, you do not look special, you do not have exceptional talent, you were not born in a unique place, you do not have special skills or have a bigger purpose in life, you will always be just a little gray man, about whom the world will never he has heard or he will never hear. I am 24 and I am overwhelmed by the thought that nothing interesting will happen to me anymore. All the time I am the same man as before, as at the beginning of my childhood, only with more experience. Which does not help at all, because I can not enjoy the clichés like snow or nice weather, because I've seen them a lot of times.
I cant reconcile myself with the image of my own self, my own life story.
If I had any talents, could do something specific, maybe I would feel better and needed. In the meantime, I am such a gray man that it is no longer possible. The worst thing is to look into the future because where will I be in 10 years? Who will I be? A single, gray citizen the same as a million other people? I am not happy about this perspective and I am not happy about such a life. Why do I need a life consisting of going to work every day which I do not like, coming back from work, killing time with something that neither develops or amuses me, going to sleep and waking up in the morning for work.. I am constantly afraid that I will not achieve anything in my life and experience it as if I have never really lived. How, for example, to find a hobby? :
If nothing would give you fun, what would you try to do? Any hobby, occupation? Limited budget: I tried: - computer games - checkers -reding books -riding on the bike -spaces and running - putting the puzzle together -cooking -computer programming I tried many things but everything is just forcing for me. Such a compulsion that I can't really get excited about any of these activities. I do not feel completely fascinated by anything. I can't even look at a film or a show, because I feel pressured to do it. When I forced myself to do it, I accelerated it 2x to finish it faster. With books the same. Computer games too. Music does not interest me either, everything that will go, I cant choose what I like and what I do not like. As for the difference between simply killing time with entertainment and real passion: you can simply ride a bike, and you can read about new trends, be interested in bicycle parts, assemble bikes from parts yourself, repair them, exchange parts and browse with fascination new catalog Specialized bicycle parts.
Another example: If a "fan of beer" drinks because he drinks, it is not a hobby. If, however, he knows everything about beer, not just drinking it, he can brew his own beer, he differentiates beer, he knows how they arise, what is the difference between beer foam A and beer B, it is a hobby in every way. Generally, people often say that they are interested in something, and in fact, just like with this beer, they just drink it and nothing else. Well, that's what I wanted to say in a nutshell to distinguish "quasi-hobbyists" from real hobbyists. I feel the difference between a real, developing hobby (which even promotes social interactions and improving relationships between people), and a compulsive, addictive provision of instant, easy, unconditional pleasure (which you do not need to work) through various, intensified stimuli in excessive amounts. Everything that can lead (and often leads) to addiction is just such a factor. If someone actually puts together models for a long time, or spends so much time on their car that they neglect their work and relationships with relatives, then in total it could also be pulled under addiction But usually it is not. How many of you know addicts of the instrument, painting, sculpting, origami, modeling or car tuning, and how many addicts of the Internet, television, games, stimulants or gambling? And even if both of them are addicts, there is a clear difference between one and the other. Pleasures are divided into those healthy ones (creative, safe, developing, conducive to a long-lasting and stable sense of happiness) and harmful ones (dangerous, addictive, deregulating the natural chemical balance in the brain). In the first group you have, for example, professional passion, various creative hobbies (such as art creation, motorization, modeling, painting, sculpture, origami, playing the instrument, etc.), and the second group includes the Internet, television, gambling, stimulants and the like. It is a pity that I have no idea how to become a real enthusiast in any field.
I feel that I am not being helped by drugs or by the advice of psychiatrists and psychologists, motivational speakers and I do not know what to do. Would anyone have any advice for me, a solution?