How is it possible that so many people get together, get married, have kids and *then* divorce and break up? [closed]

Question

I have always been fundamentally baffled about this fact, as a male currently in his mid-30s who never managed to attract any female.

If this had happened, and we had got so far as to get married, and have kids, that would automatically mean that we had some kind of proven compatibility. Very few things could possibly upset that later.

My only guess is also a very strong suspicion: they must be absolutely lying to each other from the first meeting up until when they realize that they aren't actually compatible at all. That's the only reasonable explanation.

This whole thing about "drifting apart" sounds like utter nonsense to me. What does that even mean? "Drift apart"? Either you are compatible or you aren't. It seems very clear to me that they (or at least one of them) weren't honest about who they were, or it would not have happened.

And, of course, this is one major reason why I'm miserably lonely: I simply don't "have it in me" to put on such a fake facade. I just cannot. It's just as bizarre to me that all these people are able to lie like that as it is for those people to understand how I can be this "honest". I don't even consider it honesty, but rather... "basic non-deceitfulness".

It seems like an even worse crime to pretend to be somebody else and waste somebody's life and emotions than it is to rob them of a large sum of money or valuables. It seems like it should be illegal, as long as there are going to be laws about all kinds of things anyway. I guess the problem with that is that it would be very difficult to prove in court who lied about what.

I consider it to be extremely evil and disturbing behaviour to put on an act in order to trick somebody to become attracted to this persona that you act as, but frankly, it doesn't matter what I think about it -- I couldn't do it no matter how badly I wanted. I've tried, because I certainly have the same urge (if not even more intense) as "normal males", and it's clear that the real me could never get me in any kind of relationship.

But I just can't do it. I guess I have what must be considered an illness in this world?

Answer 1

You are right to feel baffled by this conclusion because it hinges on a baseless assertion - that people and their personalities are somehow static and unchanging. People are constantly experiencing new things, acquiring new knowledge, and learning more about their environments and their own psychology, whether they're conscious of the process or not. It is only natural for a person to change over time; this doesn't necessarily constitute some kind of epic dishonesty. I can honestly believe something to be true - about myself or about some external fact - only to later believe the exact opposite after I've acquired more information. This doesn't mean I was lying when I held my original opinion, this is just basic personal growth.

Drifting apart in a relationship can occur for very many reasons. External factors may change and exacerbate known pain points in the relationship. Perhaps one or both members of the relationship, given new information, come to hold views that are in conflict with each other. Maybe the conflict exists in the preconceived notions as to how the other member of the relationship should be as opposed to how they have come to be.

In short, people change. A healthy relationship allows for both participants to grow as individuals, accept those changes, and update their mental portraits of one another. Sometimes these changes lead to rifts in beliefs that were previous mutual, but in many cases a simple lack of communication or awareness causes our mental portraits of others to fall out of sync with reality - the effect is a feeling of "drifting apart".