Okayyy.. this can be a bit long but if you can give satisfactory ANSWER to it... it might be very helpful to me... so the situation about me is....

  1. How do you come to know if you are in love?

  2. You are not sure that if you are in love or not (look the person's soul(my friend) is pure, but we think a bit differently at some points/aspects of life) and due to this.. neither you are accepting their proposals or whatever it is... nor you are saying them that you love them (cause you aren't sure, and thus you don't want to play with their feelings), and they are waiting for you to say it cause they have already said it.

  3. There is something you find good to talk, to chat, to spend time with them. A one message from them can change your mood from sad to happy. And if you don't talk to them for some days(2-3), it feels like you have missed a lot of something very big part of your life. You wait (in your leisure or sometimes while doing your routine work) for your night conversations to happen, the whole day. BUT STILL, you don't see them as your future spouse for some unknown reasons.. it might be cause you both are very good at friends level, but some unknown dots seems to be missing due to which you don't take them as your spouse(idk what are those reasons exactly), but friends for the whole life ( I know this friends for the whole life situations will change at some point of them life, but this is what it is.. ) It might also be possible in future that they fall for someone else and will forget/leave you, although they feel the same for you(atleast at current moment of life or even want to you more than you want them), but still.. TILL WHEN someone would wait for you, haha!

Why there is so much of confusion? Why you don't see them as your future spouse if you are in love? Or you are just not in love? And if the situation I told you above is not love, then what it is? And if you are not in love.. then what it is to be in love, how does it feel?

  • 1
    "Love" is not like a city, strictly speaking you are not in love. Statement "We/I are in love" is used to characterise/tag a particular state of relationship. That state of relationship has "operational" existence, it is less of a concept, more of an engineering issue. Love is, therefore, not a destination, but a journey.
    – Ajax
    Commented Jul 3, 2021 at 12:34
  • @Ajax Thanks for your words that I am not in love, but I am still not clear what it is actually! You said "this is not a destination, but a journey".... . It actually seems to be a bookish language. Would be helpful if you can explain it or tell a bit more, or if you have experienced it and can tell something based on it... Suppose you are telling it to a machine (with no emotions)
    – Weirdoooo
    Commented Jul 3, 2021 at 18:57
  • @Ajax "'Love' is not like a city" Are you sure?
    – Sandejo
    Commented Jul 3, 2021 at 20:13
  • @Weirdoooo Two couples may have same relationship, but one couple may characterise being in love, while other may not. Love is mostly subjective, and also has a social element attached to it (security, reciprocity, ...). Would you say, "We are in love, but I obviously don't expect him/her to help me out in any kind" ? You can feel infatuation, sexual attraction, appreciation, respect or care towards a person independently. You may feel some or all of it and declare I'm in love, or feel all of it and still say, "I'm not in love." Love is not a declaration, it is built.
    – Ajax
    Commented Jul 3, 2021 at 20:29

2 Answers 2


If you are being sincere when you say "you don't see them as your future spouse for some unknown reasons" perhaps you should see a therapist to figure out what those reasons are and if they are good reasons.

Love is more than a feeling. Love is a kindly action in response to a shared connection or to a lack of a shared connection.

  • sure,I would try finding therapist about this haha, You are saying that "Love is a kindly......connection",like being kind human, one is kind to everyone if that person is stranger(in my case), moreover we do kind actions to our family members and friends, but how do you actually feel that you are in love?( It sometimes seems like I'm a robot with 0 emotions that I gotta post such questions here instead of getting emotions on my own,LOL). I've read a lot of stuff on the internet about this on internet but was still confused about my case(not getting it). Elaboration would be helpful.
    – Weirdoooo
    Commented Jul 3, 2021 at 19:13
  • Dr. Gabor Mate on attachment and authenticity youtube.com/watch?v=l3bynimi8HQ Commented Jul 4, 2021 at 11:54
  • Dr. Tori Olds explains what trauma is. youtube.com/watch?v=tKc4o_Faej8 Commented Jul 4, 2021 at 12:14

"Subtle degrees

of domination and servitude

are what you know as love

but love is different

it arrives complete

just there

like the moon in the window

like the sun

of neither east nor west

nor of any place

when that sun arrives

east and west arrive

desire only that

of which you have no hope

seek only that

of which you have no clue

love is the sea of not-being

and there intellect drowns

this is not the Oxus River

or some little creek

this is the shoreless sea;

here swimming ends

always in drowning

a journey to the sea

is horses and fodder

and contrivance

but at land’s end

the footsteps vanish

you lift up your robe

so as not to wet the hem;

come! drown in this sea

a thousand times

the moon passes over

the ocean of non-being

droplets of spray tear loose

and fall back

on the cresting waves

a million galaxies

are a little scum

on that shoreless sea."


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